Talking to Children About Armed Conflict

Children may not understand the political or military issues underlying such events, but seeing other children on the news often captures their attention. After watching military families say goodbye on the national news, for example, children in general may wonder if their parents will have to leave, too.

Children who have one or both parents in the military may be faced with issues of separation and uncertainty.

A child may have a teacher or sports coach who gets deployed for military duty. Older children might struggle with the different opinions concerning issues involving armed conflict or war. They may have questions concerning what should be done on a national or even global level.

Talking to children about war and armed conflict as a parent or caregiver allows you to assist children in understanding the issues and dealing with their concerns and feelings.

• Most importantly, listen and talk to your children. Parents must be prepared to listen. Let your children know this is a topic they can talk about with you. Ask open-ended questions so your children can direct the conversation and you can get a feeling for their thoughts and concerns. This can allow you to clarify some confusion or comfort any worries. For example, you might ask, “What have you seen on TV?” or “How do you feel about your friend’s parent being overseas?” Also, remember this is simply the beginning and many more discussions will likely follow as events unfold.
• Use stories and artwork to enhance conversations about these difficult topics. Many children are able to express themselves through drawings or comparisons with characters in a story. Talking about someone else instead of their own feelings often is easier and less threatening to children.
• Avoid talking about enemies. Talking about “bad or harmful actions” might be more helpful than “bad or evil people.” Using this approach can help children understand that people can choose their behavior. Therefore, if a person has done something “bad” in the past, they can choose to do something “good” in the present or future. This helps children avoid broad stereotypes about those involved in armed conflict or war.
• Reassure your children of their safety. Explain what you as a parent and others will do to keep children safe. Explain how far away the military action probably will be (use a map for illustration). However, do not ignore the related terror and terrible things that will happen in a war. Studies indicate children care about people in their own country, as well as other countries. Support this caring attitude.

When talking to young children from ages 4 to 8, consider the following:

When talking to adolescent children from ages 9 to 13, consider the following:

When talking to teens from ages 14 to 18, consider the following:

Potential or actual armed conflict often results in the deployment of adults for military preparation or active duty, which means also dealing with issues regarding separation. Here are a few reminders:

• Help children realize that worrying about a loved one who is deployed is natural. Validate feelings of anxiety or concern that children may express, while also encouraging practical coping strategies to deal with worries.
• Adapt your conversation to the child’s level of understanding. For a very young child, explaining military deployment can be very difficult, while older kids will understand and want to talk about time of separation or danger concerns. Be willing to engage children at the level of conversation they need.
• Find ways to help children communicate with a deployed family member. Take some pictures and send them with a note from the child. Record a message or “day in the life” of the child and send it to the parent. Assist a child to communicate through e-mail, video chat or other technologies.
• Volunteer to help with the little things. You may offer to help children with homework, transport them to a youth activity or have the family come for dinner. Being a good neighbor becomes especially important when parents or relatives are deployed on military assignment.
• Provide extra support to the family in managing life challenges, such as preparing taxes or planning for holidays. Additional stress occurs when a family must run a household without one or more adults who might be deployed on military assignment. Think about challenging or busy times of the year and offer some assistance.

For military families, a few practical reminders can help in talking with and guiding children during times of armed conflict.

• Try to keep your children’s schedule as normal as possible if one of your family members is deployed. This will be hard at times because a spouse or other family member probably was involved in many activities, such as watching kids or driving them to appointments. However, keeping family routines consistent reinforces a child’s sense of security.
• Use discussion and honesty to help your children face their concerns and deal with questions. Gentle honesty and support generally are best for children when discussing concerns related to armed conflict. A teenager, for example, may get upset that some are protesting a country’s position on war. Let children express what they feel while guiding them to consider the differing views others may hold.
• Monitor the amount of TV or other news you watch. You know best how you and your children react to the news, especially when outcomes and topics discussed are uncertain and worrisome. If you feel your anxiety level rising too high, your children likely will have increased fear or anxiety as well. Limit the amount of news coverage your children see, as coverage of armed conflict tends to dwell primarily on violence and fear. Turn off the TV, computer or radio as needed and rely instead on information distributed through the military chain of command.
• Develop and use your support network. Before or after a deployment occurs, be sure to develop a support network that includes family, friends, neighbors and all the resources the military can offer. These relationships will allow you to ask for help when you need it. Talking with others who are experiencing a similar situation can be especially helpful. This can lower your stress level, which in turn helps you be a better parent.
• Take advantage of opportunities to support children and their involvement in caring for others affected by armed conflict. When a family is affected by armed conflict, children often are more sensitive to potential impacts on others. Assist children to participate in opportunities to provide support to others, such as through gathering supplies for families in need, sending materials to children affected by war or otherwise giving assistance.

Armed conflict affects not only individuals and their families, but entire communities.

A child may learn a fellow player on his or her soccer team has a parent who is deployed. A teenager may go to school and discover a favorite teacher has been given orders for military deployment. An entire community may mourn the loss of a man or woman who has been killed in armed conflict overseas. These realities of armed conflict highlight the need for communities to support children and their families during such times. Available sources of support in local communities can be valuable in meeting needs and providing resources for those affected by armed conflict.

The following page is a list of resources.

Recommended
Resources for
Adults and Children

■ PBS Parents Web Site –
Parent Resources, Tips
and Advice

www.pbs.org/parents

■ American Psychological Association – Topics Section

www.apa.org/topics

■ Center for the Study of
Traumatic Stress

www.cstsonline.org

■ National Association of School Psychologists,
Crisis Resources –
Resources & Podcasts

www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications/resources-and-podcasts

■ National Child Traumatic Stress Network

www.nctsn.org

■ National Institute of Mental
Health – Health Information

www.nimh.nih.gov/health

■ Sesame Street for Military Families

https://sesamestreetformilitary
families.org/

Recommended Resources for
Military Families

Department of Defense –
Military OneSource Initiative

The Department of Defense has established a Military OneSource initiative that contains information for military parents and individuals who work with military families at
www.militaryonesource.mil or (800) 342-9647.

The site is easy to navigate and provides much information for parents and families. Additional resources are available in your own communities. Please use these resources wisely so support resources are not overwhelmed.

American Legion – Support Resources:
www.legion.org/member-services/resources

Family Readiness Centers – Air Force

• Grand Forks (701) 747-3241
• Minot (701) 723-3950

Service Member and Family Support Center (SMFSC) – National Guard

• Bismarck (HQ) (800) 242-4940
• Bismarck (701) 333-3824
• Devils Lake (701) 665-7896
• Fargo (701) 451-6018
• Grand Forks (701) 792-4568
• Minot (701) 420-5861

www.ndguard.nd.gov/service-member-family-support-0/service-member-and-family-support-
center-smfsc

Family Readiness Program for Air
National Guard, Fargo – (701) 451-2112

Regional Human Service Centers

• Bismarck (701) 328-8888
• Devils Lake (701) 665-2200
• Dickinson (701) 227-7500
• Fargo (701) 298-4500
• Grand Forks (701) 795-3000
• Jamestown (701) 253-6300
• Minot (701) 857-8500
• Williston (701) 774-4600

Participate in family support group meetings and use the support system available through the military if possible. If you have more serious concerns, seek help through counseling resources based on the installation, in the community or in the private sector.

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2023). Terrorism and war: How to talk to children. Washington, D.C..: American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Online at: https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-G…

Berman, S., Diener, S., Dieringer, L., and Lantieri, L. (2003). Talking with children about war and violence in the world. Cambridge, Mass.: Educators for Social Responsibility.

Brotherson, S.E. (2001). Extension and other resources for responding to terrorism of Sept. 11, 2001 – Educators resource packet. Fargo, N.D.: NDSU Extension Service.

Cozza, S. J., Goldenberg, M. & Ursano, R. J. (2014). Care of military service members, veterans, and their families. Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Pub.

Goodman, R.F. (2010). Talking to kids about terrorism or acts of war. New York: New York University Child Study Center.

MacDermid Wadsworth, S., & Riggs, D. (2011). Risk and resilience in military families. New York: Springer.

Masten A. S., Narayan A. J., Silverman W. K., Osofsky J. D. (2015). Children in war and disaster. In Bornstein M. H., Leventhal T., Lerner R. M. (Eds.), Handbook of child psychology and developmental science: Ecological settings and processes in developmental systems (7th ed., pp. 704–745). John Wiley.

Myers-Walls, J. (2002). Talking to children about terrorism and armed conflict. The Forum for Family and Consumer Issues, 7(1).

Pelo, A. (2008). Talking with children about war and peace. In A. Pelo (Ed.), Rethinking Early Childhood Education (pp. 108-109). Milwaukee, WI: Rethinking Schools.