The Art of Grandparenting

Among the variety of family roles that an individual might pass through in life, perhaps the most unique is becoming a grandmother, a grandfather or a stepgrandparent.

Grandparenting typically occurs when a person has reached maturity and has wisdom or experience to share with the rising generation. This publication introduces an educational series on the art of grandparenting and the unique contributions that grandparents can make to family life and the lives of grandchildren.

In family life, the transition to parenthood often is seen as a significant shift that introduces the new parent to the joys and challenges of caring for a new family member. Less attention is given to the transition that occurs for adults when they become a grandparent, and yet, similarly, it is an occurrence that offers the opportunity for both happiness and growth.

Becoming a grandparent puts adults in the role of mentors to a new generation. Lifespan psychologist Erik Erikson developed the term generativity to describe the task of grandparents and other adults in raising and contributing to the well-being of the next generation of children. Grandparenting puts adults in the role of guiding, giving and engaging young people to see the future and what they have the potential to become, and to reach for it.

Not all grandparents are the same. Not all people enter grandparenthood in the same manner. Research indicates that nearly 95% of all older adults with children become grandparents. Additionally, others enter the “grandparent” role as adult children marry spouses who already have children (becoming a stepgrandparent), or they simply adopt the role of grandparent to children in their family or community circle. In any family circumstance, becoming a grandparent is a doorway to a new opportunity for connection, mentoring and passing on values and family identity.

“If I had known grandchildren were going to be so much fun, I would have had them first.”

Acting in the role of grandparent can be one of the special joys of growing older. Grandparents have multiple and important roles that they play in family life: watchdog, story teller, family historian, listening ear, etc. Grandparents may fulfill all of these roles and more. Remember that grandparents can provide a link to the past and a guide to the future. In many ways, grandparents act as the bridge between generations in a family and within communities.

The role that a grandparent plays in family life can vary widely. Factors that influence a grandparent’s role may include a grandparent’s age, the life stage of the grandchild, gender, race or culture, physical health of the grandparent, closeness of family ties and the manner in which parents interact with a child’s grandparents. A grandparent does not have to act in only one role or remain the same in his or her grandparenting style. A few main styles of grandparenting described in research are the following:

• Formal grandparent – a grandparent who follows prescribed ideas and acts as the family elder
• Fun-seeker grandparent – a grandparent who is informal, playful and fun for a grandchild
• Reserved grandparent – a grandparent who remains in the background and engages family usually around holidays or other ritual occasions (weddings, etc.)
• Surrogate parent – a grandparent who assumes the care-giving responsibilities in raising a grandchild
• Wise grandparent – a grandparent who provides training in special skills, furnishes resources or dispenses wisdom and counsel

The point is that a grandparent does not need to practice a particular style. A grandparent’s involvement and role in a grandchild’s life may vary and combine a variety of experiences and styles that fit their relationship with a particular child and also their personality.

“Becoming a grandparent is like the dessert at the end of a good meal.”

When a grandparent makes a phone call to a grandchild, attends a concert with a grandchild or just takes a grandchild someplace, they are having a direct influence on a grandchild. When grandchildren are confronted with a situation and think about their grandparent, they are influenced indirectly by that grandparent’s emotional presence and example.

To stimulate your thinking and assist you in exploring the role of grandparents, take some time to fill in the blank to each statement and provide your answers or discuss possible ideas with other family members or friends.

1. “Grandparents are _____(fun)_________.”

• “Grandparents are ___________________________.”
• “Grandparents are ___________________________.”

2. “Grandparents give _____(time)_________.”

• “Grandparents give ___________________________.”
• “Grandparents give ___________________________.”

3. “Grandparents don’t _(disagree with parents in front of children)_.”

• “Grandparents don’t ________________________________.”
• “Grandparents don’t ________________________________.”

4. “Grandparents do this: _____(give a listening ear)_________.”

• “Grandparents do this: ______________________________.”
• “Grandparents do this: ______________________________.”

5. “An important role for grandparents is __(family storyteller)__.”

• “An important role for grandparents is __________________.”
• “An important role for grandparents is __________________.”

Adler, E.S., and Hoffnung, M. (2018). Being Grandma and Grandpa: Grandparents share advice, insights and experiences. Grand Publications.

Brotherson, S., Langerud, B., and Saxena, D. (2008, September). The art of grandparenting. Facilitator’s Guide, Family and Communication Education Club lesson materials, NDSU Extension Service, North Dakota State University, Fargo, N.D.

Ferraro, K., and Carr, D. (Eds.). (2021). Handbook of aging and the social sciences (9th ed.). Academic Press.

Johnson, S., Carlson, J., and Bower, E. (2010). Grandloving: Making memories with your grandchildren. Lancaster, Va.: Heartstrings Press.

Kornhaber, A. (2017). The grandparent guide: The definitive guide to coping with the challenges of modern grandparenting. Independently published.

Meyer, M.H., Kandic, A., and Suitor, J.J. (2017). Grandparenting in the United States. Innovation in Aging, 1(2).

Meyer, M.H., and Abdul-Malak, Y. (Eds.). (2017). Grandparenting in the United States (Society and Aging Series). New York: Routledge.

For more in The Art of Grandparenting series, please visit
www.ndsu.edu/agriculture/extension/extension-topics/family